I have struggled with bitterness for some time. It's actually consumed me. Consumed my daily train of thought. Consumed every day actions. Consumed my relationships with family and friends. I think the bitterness began when I felt the need to constantly compare myself to others. What others had/are achieving and why did I feel like I was falling behind. People have said what have you to be bitter about? Your healthy, your engaged, you've a business! And then I feel guilty. Guilty for having an emotion such as bitterness.
Since a child, I was an overachiever. If I was to whip out old school reports- they would always be glowing in praise. I couldn't ever settle being just ok when I was young. I had to be good at everything, a high achiever. I always wanted good grades. I always wanted to receive praise. Not even wanting to receive. I CRAVED praise. I loved winning awards- student of the year this...top of the class for this...highest score of a grade etc...! I loved seeing words such as 'enthusiastic', 'bright', 'ambitious' and 'intelligent' next to my name. They were goals.
I suppose my first smack of reality and dissapointment and I kid you not, I still think about was at the beginning of Year 6 in my primary school in London. I loved the idea of being a head girl so badly. I was obsessed with Enid Blyton books and had gotten the idea in my head that if you were a head girl you could go on to do great things- that people would want to work with you. Yep at the tender age of 11, I had began to think about the workforce! I wasn't picked as Head Girl. I wasn't even nominated for it and it stung.
My next encounter was in my final year of secondary school and at Graduation in 2007. Yep 10 mighty years ago. And I didn't win Student of the Year. I wasn't even nominated for student of the year. I was so bitter. I remember sitting in this sports hall with my parents right next to me clapping but biting my tongue so hard to not show the look of disappointment on my face. I spent a long time having a conversation in my own head and comparing the winner to me. I went on about it for ages. I did so much comparison. I did win student of the year two other years previously but still couldn't understand why I was bot nominated that year. It was all I could think about...
My third smack of reality was two years later in my final year in Dance College in Dublin. We were rehearsing a contemporary piece and two of the girls in my year were using paper as a prop. Just some random paper that the office were going to recycle. I just happened to open up the piece of a paper and it was a printing of where everyone in my year had been accepted to in the UK for further training. My name was missing. I don't even know why I was so surprised because of course my name was missing. I didn't get in to one college in the UK. So why would my name be printed? But it stung...it stung so bad. I unashamedly sobbed in college that day in front of everyone. Twenty year old me...wailing. I cried probably every night solidly for about month after that also. I felt like a failure. I was a failure. And I don't think at that time I was happy for anyone else who had achieved. Because I was too bitter and worried about my own failings.
My stubbornness can be best described as a raging bull. Most people would pick themselves up and try again the next year. Not me. I abandon and move on and set my sights on University. NUI Maynooth to do a degree course in Business and Management. Something I had no experience in. I didn't even take business as a subject in my Leaving Cert in school. But I thought I would be good at it and was playing with the idea of opening up my own business when I would graduate so thought it would be useful. I also thought I would sail through it. I was good in Primary school. I was good in Secondary school. I actually didn't even need to try super hard and did really well. Well college is different and while I still ended up with a first, I wasn't top of my class. I didn't possess the skills that have seen some of the graduates of my year excel in work life. Some of these people are working in top companies.
And I suppose the nail in the coffin for me was last year when I was declined twice for a mortgage. I am so fiercely competitive and crave independence that it full on destroyed me. I spent months after that over-analysing everything. Comparing myself to other friends. Friends who had gotten married. Who had got accepted for a mortgage. Who were having kids. And I cried. I cried all the time. God love Evan and my family for putting up with me. I was awful to be around. Cried driving. Cried cleaning. Cried when I went to the toilet. I picked fights. Was more blunter then ever. But more severely grew this rage of bitterness which just began to consume me. I was so angry.
And so I am trying. The awareness of the bitterness is a first step I think right? It's the challenge of not letting it take over is my second step. I don't even like putting it down to as a second step. Because it's on going. It's exists and then it doesn't. The one thing I really do agree with more then ever is the idea of comparison being the thief of joy. There is simply no need for it.
I stumbled upon this writer- Rupi Kaur. And one of my favourite things she has written was this sentence; 'and here you are living despite it all'. Yep I guess I still am living.
Ok- so it's quite apparent since my last post and my current Mortgage Diaries coverage on Twitter (follow me @ yasmina aniss) that I'm quite budget focused at the moment. Hey healthy obsession right?! And well I was looking at how fricken empty my purse was yet all I seem to be doing is working! It's the little things that eat away all your hard earned dosh and here are mine:
1. Food shopping. Ok I know we have to eat to survive. I always buy treats when I feel like I deserve it- and I could persuade myself that I deserve treats daily- lol! Everyone impulse buys and the amount of wastage that's committed is frankly quite disgusting. I try to make myself feel better by being an avid compost engager, but who are we kidding. We always put too much in our basket. We always order too much at the table, and most of us (go away health freaks!) definitely over consume in calories daily. It should be all about food prep and negotiating and getting rid of that idea that we deserve to fill the trolley up with 1/5 of treats (crisps, popcorn, biscuits, chocolate, wine, beer etc!) especially if we have had a bad day. We all do it and it's just emptying out pockets...most lunches cost around the seven euro mark (sambo/crisps/drink) and if you spend that 5 days a week and 48 weeks of the year- your looking at least €1600. The last time I checked that's a Celine phantom?!
2. Bottled water. It's only when I am emptying my car, that I do a head tilt, total up in my head what I have spent on water bottles that month and go...crap! I have even bought re-usable bottles in the past- BPA free of course! But I have lost lids, they have shattered, I didn't bother buying a new filter...blah blah blah. I might let's say buy three bottles a week- 1 litre ones, I also (naughtily!) maybe use the same bottle for a day or two. Most bottles are around the €1.50 mark, thats €4.50 a week and a whopper €234 a year, which ok...isn't huge. But over a year, it could be 3 Aveo water bottle (reviews of this non-leaking bottle are brilliant!) and over two hundread squid to spend on a facial or two.
3. Pennys. I think writing this means that any chance of ever having a collab with Primark/Pennys will indefinitely be thrown out the window lol- but seriously! What's with the Pennys effect? You pop in to get ankle socks and you can come out with another set of fleecy pjs, boob tape, make-up remover and a new make-up bag. Sure it's only a few euro right?! I love the shop for seriously providing value for money products, but it's never good going. Same can be said for my Aldi/Lidl shop- new containers, himalayan salt and a spice blender have graced my basket recently. Lesson learned- leave the visa debit at home and only bring the cash that you ACTUALLY need.
4. Coffees. I love caffeine and I am actually quite good in that I may only ever have one coffee a day. I generally drink a lot of green tea (I bulk bought this fantastic bundle deal from Amazon here). Two cups in the morning and one in the evening. But coffee tends to be bought out and is usually consumed when I have a big drive to classes across the country. Coffee prices keep creeping up...and while I have my favourite places to have a sip of a brew and people watch on a Sunday (Kaph, Slice and 3FE are my favourite places in Dublin!), most of the coffee I buy in petrol stations is absolute mush, yet I still drink it all while my euro's are disappearing! Four take-away coffees a week in petrol stations (that being the cheapest place to get a coffee- I still see so many places charging over three euro for a cap!) is over four hundred euro a year- which is a pair of these Gucci Princetown leather slippers that I have been eyeing up for ages.
5. Subscriptions. Netflix. Amazon Prime, Look fantastic beauty box. Spotify. Glamour magazine. All really un-necessary expenditures but so necessary at the same time. Every little subscription adds up and when you see whats debiting out of the account every month...it's scary stuff. When I did my accounts this year- I think I totalled it up to night in the Marker (this hotel is my fave place to stay in Dublin) and a very very fancy meal...Boo you debit card! I'm down to just my Netflix (can I just leave this at NARCOS?!) and have phased out my beauty subscription. Real Adult stuff going on here. Tear drops.
What do you waste your dollar dollar bills on?
I'm in the process of making big A.D.U.L.T decisions. I write that in caps and with singular letters because that it literally how detailed investing in your future is. I'm hitting 28 in a few months and I really feel like my 20's have flashed past my eyes and I have this gnawing feeling of just not wanting to grow up quite yet. Is it the fear? God I have no idea. I don't really get the fear. I just worry that I have not made enough mistakes or been ballsy enough. I don't mind regrets. I feel like they are life lessons, but if I was 18 again, there are a few things I would like to tell myself in advance. Maybe my life would have panned totally different. Maybe not...
1. Start a savings account. Way sooner. Even if it's €20 a month in a deposit account. Make it an automatic debit transaction (I always find you brush of physically having to deposit money!). It's a healthy habit, and one that you'll appreciate in years to come...! If I had realised how difficult it would be in my late 20's as a self-employed woman to get mortgage approval- I am not sure I would have gone down the path that I have.
2. Say no! I've always said yes. Since day 1. Yes to extra work. Yes to more responsibilities. Yes to anything anyone has ever asked me to do. It's ok to say no (add a little thank-you!). And no, your not being selfish!
3. Regularly re-evaluate your vision board. I've always associated a vision board with something that you might do in a group work in school/college- however I have found mine (only done one in Jan 2016!) super motivating when I take the time to look at it (place it somewhere you will always see it!). I'd have loved to have done one of these years ago. I might have thrown down things in my late teens that I would never dare write down now. We are more naive when we are younger and there is nothing wrong with that!
4. Don't buy so many shoes. God I bought so many shoes. SOOO many shoes. I could have had my own shoe shop. Be realistic. Fashion constantly changes. Buy a few staples and 2-3 fashion pieces that you can rotate. My bank manager has warned me about my purchasing patterns. I am now paying the price for having a colourful wardrobe...Boo!
5. Keep in touch. Social media doesn't actually count! When I turned 18, I started dance college and most of my school friends went on to do various things and then a good lot moved abroad. I got so caught up with my training and travelling, I didn't go out as much and lost a huge amount of contact with the company of people I really enjoyed. It's so much harder when you get older to make friends. The awkwardness. Our busy lives. We always say in passing that we should meet up and we never do...
6. Avoid M & S like the plague. It's made me develop a very unhealthy relationship in justifying spending hard end money on items like mojito flavoured popcorn and mixed seafood risotto. I think if I didn't have such a fruitful palette from a young age, I'd be a lot richer and probably a size 8!
7. Have my eyebrows threaded and tinted from a pro. Religiously. What was I thinking going around with upside-down Nike ticks above my eye I'll never know. I shudder when I see photos of me from the past...
8. Breathe more and learn to relax. Any body that really knows me will know that I am the most tense, up tight, obsessive, over-thinking headless chicken. I'm a busy fool. And it's not healthy. I've been like this for at least the last 10 years. Had I spent time in my late teens pausing and breathing, I'd probably be more rational and calmer.
9. Work abroad before opening up a business. I love going abroad and I wish I hadn't rushed into opening my schools so soon. I'm limited that anything international now is purely as a holiday...I wish someone had said hold off on opening up your school and go work somewhere for a year.
10. Start a coding course. Because let's face it...it's all the tech geeks out there that have really been the most successful!
Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!
